A writer named Hullviking75 has a wonderful way with words. One of his greatest tirades can be found in the “comment” section of a recent article on Thought Catalog: the article is called “To the Man Who Will Love Me”. For those who don’t know, Thought Catalog is a left-wing site that specializes in feminist word salad.
Here’s a little of the original article: Take notes, men…if you wanna date the author, you’ll need to learn the following:
1. Be kind.
My heart is fragile and has been hurt many times before. Know that I am a Cancer which means that I cry, I hide in my shell, and I feel more than anyone else.
2. Be gentle.
Speak to me softly. Push my hair off of my face. Lightly touch my cheek and gently kiss my hand. Be gentle with your actions and gentle with your words. Remember that I am sensitive, which means that my heart is also fragile.
There’s more to the list: seven items in total. But I’ll spare you the details. In short, the writer (named Elizabeth Ryan) has a list of demands for the prospective suitor!
Here was hullviking75’s response...flipping the script as it were:
(clears throat) TO THE BIRD WHO WILL LOVE ME NEXT…
1. BE UNDRESSED
When I come home from work, be ready in the boudoir, completely nude, smothered in exotic, sensual oils; moan like Donna Summer to show your appreciation of my lovemaking skills. Women have treated me like dirt, see, so by the law of averages, you will be different.
2. BE COMPLIANT
Dress as a bunny-girl to feed me spoonfuls of exotic fruit; sing softly to me Minnie Riperton’s ‘Loving You’ as you run your fingers through my chest hair, for I was born under the sign of Cancer too and my ego needs stroking every bit as much as yours, probably more so.
3. REMIND ME THAT I AM THE KING OF YOUR UNIVERSE
See, sometimes, I forget what a great guy I am and it’s your duty to remind me. I really am the best game in town and don’t you forget it, babe. And I look absolutely fucking great! Sit at my feet as you waft me with a palm leaf on hot summer nights and I’ll remind you just how lucky you are to have me.
4. BE PATIENT
There are, you see, things in my past that… Ah, you don’t want to know. Sniff… Just gimme a minute to compose myself… I’ll be all right… Really… Hey, I’m sensitive, okay? As a Cancerian too, and a man – meaning anything you can do, I can do better -, I can cry you under the table, and you’ll have to mollify me. You’ll have to make the world go away, get it off of my shoulder, say the things you used to say, and make the world go away. I don’t know if I can ever trust a woman again and that’s your responsibility to ameliorate. I am a Cancerian and therefore as delicate as a porcelain figurine, so you’d better be good to me or I just might end it all and on your head be it. You might think you’re Ophelia, but I’ll see you and raise you one.
5. ACCEPT THAT I’M A SELFISH GIT
I love steak Diane, moules mariniere, wild mushroom veloute, salted caramel cheesecake, all washed down with lashings of Southern Comfort… So be a good girl and get me these things – like, NOW!
6. BE CONSIDERATE
I need it. I crave it. Slippers warmed in front of the fire. Make me a hot toddy when I get the man flu. Bankrupt yourself treating me on my birthday. Pick fruits of the forest and bake me pies with a song in your heart. Read to me my favourite D.H. Lawrence novels. Send me a surprise to the office where I work so that my colleagues can witness first hand just how much you think the sun shines out of my arse. Make up a playlist of all the songs that remind me of you, like ‘Under My Thumb’, ‘Peaches’, ‘Whole Lotta Love’ and ‘I Can See for Miles’. Fondle me as I drive. (Bleep) me in the rain and then tuck me up in bed with tea, lemon and honey to ward off the consequences. Climb up to my room with a box of chocolates and a rose between your teeth, because I love dopey gestures too and now that we’re all equal, it’s your turn. Tell me how I fill up your senses, like a night in a forest. Love me as though your whole life depended on it. Take me on a starlight ride through Jupiter and Mars. Swear your undying devotion to me in front of a paying audience so they can all laugh at you.
7. BE YOURSELF
Be dumb. Be blonde. Be yourself. Be. Just be. But be who I want you to be, which is all you really can be and that’s all that really matters. As long as you serve my every need, that’s all I could ask for. I love you because you’re in my power, but you’re immaterial really; I’m the one that counts. I chose you and you’d better believe it – you cannot get away from me!!!
Now, see how silly you are? Still, I shouldn’t be making mock. Your feelz are all our feelz – we’re all Cancerians now. There’s not a dry eye in the house…
We have some brilliant people on the internet. We refer to them as shitlords. I give a trophy to HullViking75…wherever he is!
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